"STILL I RISE"

Sitting here watching the special on the life of Dr. Maya Angelou and inspiration has over taken me. I'm flooded with tears and emotion listening to her stories and watching all of the women, black, white and every other kind that she has touched. I was in the 5th grade when I learned of her and the poem she wrote "Still I Rise". That poem touched me back then in a way that I had never been touched. But now it's meaning resignates within me deeper than even I could ever imagine. I've been raped, treated like the black sheep, disliked and even hated by many, talked about, called ugly, slapped in the face, stabbed in the back, misused and abused, and made to feel completely and utterly worthless. BUT, STILL I RISE!!!! 

The truth of who I am is so clear to me! I am not my rape, I am not my failures, I am not my adultery, I am not ugly, I am not the abuse I have suffered, I am not the pain I have endured, I am not worthless, I am not my experiences good or bad. I AM A CHILD OF GOD! I am strong because my Father is strong in me. I rise from the ashes because my Father picks me up, dusts me off and moves me forward. I am whole because my Father mends my brokeness. And more than anything I am LOVED because my Father Loves me unconditionally, He gave His son for me, He created me in His image which is Love and His Love rests, reigns, and rules inside of me! 

What a wonderful feeling it is to know that He Loves me that much! I feel so overwhelmed by His Love for me. It means I don't have to settle for any thing less, I don't have to seek love or approval from anyone or anything, and I don't have to give up any part of my being for someone else to Love me. No matter how many times I fall I will rise because his Love lifts me! I will be a legend, I will walk on Faith, I will walk in Love, I will rest in His Presence daily, my ministry will take over the world, millions of women and men will be healed and made whole because of my testimony, I will never again fade into the shadows, I will stand flat footed and declare His goodness and His grace for me! I AM A CHILD OF GOD and still I rise, STILL I RISE, STILL....I.....RISE!!!!!

Thank you Heavenly Father above, and to the amazing Maya Angelou I salute you. Your spirit gives me wings. Rest in Paradise. 

Maya Angelou April 4, 1928~May 28, 2014

No longer INSECURE!

INSECURITIES we all have them. Some of us cover them with a smile, others with pride and yet still others with faux perfection. Making it seem like I had the perfect life was my cover up of choice. When the reality was my baggage was so heavy that even a strong man twice my size couldn't carry it. The source of my insecurity dates all the way back to my childhood days. You see, I grew up in the Church of God Holiness. I couldn't wear pants, i couldn't go to the movies, I couldn't listen to any secular music, in fact I wasn't even allowed to have a walk man because my parents didn't want me listening to the radio. I couldn't talk on the phone as a teenager, even at the age of 17 I couldn't have male friends. Me moved more times than I would like to have and attending different schools and making new friends was hard for me because know one liked the new girl because she dressed weird. My first pair of name brand gym shoes was some L.A. Gears, I thought I was hot stuff! But it wasn't enough to make me popular or gain any likes. As a result I always felt inadequate, not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, not well dressed enough, not a part of the "in" crowd. As I got older nothing seemed to go according to plan. All of my efforts to finish school failed, I was divorced after being married for 15 years and not accomplishing anything, lost my house, lost my car and with every loss, set back and failure a piece of my security and self esteem was washed away until nothing was left. The dream of having a perfect life had slipped between my fingers and all that was left was a facade.

Insecurity had grown such deep roots that I was willing to accept whatever a man did to me just because I wanted to be in love and be loved in return. I was convinced that whatever he dished out I could handle. He didn't have to open my car door I could open my own. He didn't have to honor, cherish or respect me, I respected myself enough. He didn't have to respect or value my thoughts, opinions, skills or ideas, I knew they had value. I just wanted someone, anyone, because being alone was not an option. I needed someone to make me happy, some one to make me whole, someone to SAY they loved me, someone to be my companion, someone to make my life seem like I had accomplished something, someone to take away all the pain that I had endured my whole life. 

Those are some heavy weights to put on another human being. If you are broken within no flawed human being can MAKE you happy or whole. No flawed human being can erase all of your hurt. No flawed human being can give you value. Truth is, I never fully believed my thoughts, skills, ideas, or opinions had value. In fact many times I wondered if I were crazy or just not very smart. I never thought enough of myself to demand that he open my door, or honor, cherish, or respect me. I really didn't think I was worth it. I looked at him as an asset not realizing that I myself am an asset. 

Over time this so called love took such a toll on me. With each passing year the pit I was in became smaller, darker and more difficult to get out of. This wasn't the kind of love I wanted. The more I was devalued, disrespected, disregarded, degraded, oppressed and depressed the more I realized that I had value, I was worth something, and I deserved TRUE LOVE. 

As I sat in my bathroom one day crying hysterically while satan whispered all kinds of lies in my ear, my Father spoke out and said HE LOVED ME! It's in His presence that I find peace. In His presence I find joy. In His presence I find strength. I found my self-esteem, my value, my security, and my self-worth in His love for me. He gave His son so that I could LIVE! And He Loves me UNCONDITIONALLY despite all of my flaws, mistakes and ugly parts! If He Loves me that much why wouldn't I love me and why wouldn't I be deserving of true Love from others. 

Sure, loving again means that I will never settle for just anything. But more than that it means that I will not hold someone else responsible for my happiness, because I have God's eternal joy inside of me. I will not expect healing and wholeness to come from a flawed love, because I'm healed by the blood of Jesus and His love makes me whole. No longer will I seek my value in others, I'm worth so much He gave His life for me. The freedom I have found in releasing my baggage, casting my cares on Him and resting in His presence and His promises is PRICELESS! I'm no longer insecure but worth it all!

Suicide Note

There I sat one Saturday night at age 10 or 11 in the bathtub singing a song I made up. I was fully convinced that no one loved me, no one cared, my parents hated me, I was the black sheep of the family, my friends were very few and I was constantly being bullied at school! The song I made up was a reflection of all those thoughts. The pain in my heart was so heavy and as the tears began to stream down my face the only way I could see to end my pain was death. I wanted to die. I was a worthless waste and no one cared about me anyway so I wouldn't even be missed. My only problem was I had no idea what method to use, drowning myself in the tub never crossed my mind. Finally I convinced myself to get out of the tub and from there move on with my life. Feelings of worthlessness and thoughts of suicide consumed me many days after that, from childhood to my teenage years, right into adulthood. At age 27 I was fired from my job for doing things I absolutely knew was wrong, the engine in my car died, I got caught cheating on my husband with a man who was also married, my phone was cut off and all that was left was me. Look at how messed up I am I kept telling myself. I don't have a job, I haven't finished school, I no longer have a vehicle, no money to pay my phone bill, my credit is shot, my marriage is a wreck, and no one loves me, not even God. I closed the blinds, got in bed, put the covers over my head and cried myself to sleep. How was I going to fix this? How could I have been so stupid? How did I ever get so caught up? God will never forgive me for this and He will never love me the way He loves everyone else. The pain of my reality was so great that I could not stand to my feet. I slept for days at a time. And whenever I had trouble sleeping vodka and ibuprofen or hydrocodone or anything else that I may have had in the medicine cabinet would always help. Depression was imminent and I could have taken a bottle of pills to kill myself but I did not want there to be any chance that I would be found, my stomach would be pumped and I would live. I wanted a gun so badly! One shot and it would be over!  Life continued to pass me by, year after year my New Years resolution was the same as the year before; I didn't want to spend another year unhappy. Finally after what felt like a million ups and downs I found myself divorced, eventually homeless and broken. I had made such a mess of my life and I had no idea how to fix it. Seven months after being divorced I was married again and living over 500 miles away from my family and my children. The pain, grief and agony that I've endured over the past 3 1/2 years has been unimaginable. Most times I felt as if God left me all alone in the wilderness to be ravished by a raging animal. Many days I wanted to jump off of the bridge towards the end of my street. One day last summer I made up in my mind that once my children returned to Michigan for the summer I was going to kill myself no matter what this time! And no one was going to stop me! 

Before I could follow through with my plans to end my life there I was again in my bathroom crying hysterically, this time wearing nothing but my socks. I couldn't crawl into bed and sleep. I couldn't pull myself together. I was breaking down, this was worse than ever before, the pain in my heart felt like it was double my weight. Right in the midst of my break down, while satan was repeating his lies of defeat God spoke out and declared His Love for me. He told me I wasn't defeated, worthless or unloved. God knew the depth of my pain, the strong intent of my heart, and the sincerity of my thoughts and IMMEDIATELY He began to send people into my life to help, support and save me. He sent people to pour into me, to lift me up, to build me up and to give me a platform to share my story. God began renewing my heart, my mind and my spirit. He confirmed, affirmed, and reaffirmed that I am loved, I am forgiven, I am not forgotten, I am His, and I have His power dwelling in me. I'm being renewed, I'm being set free and with every step I take I'm putting the old me further and further behind me! I will not be a slave to medication or satan's lies, I'm no longer a victim I AM A VICTOR!

Dear Former Me, 

No longer will I believe that I am worthless, no longer will I believe that my life is cursed, no longer will I believe that I have no hope, no longer will you steal my joy, no longer will you cause me to doubt who I am and who my God is. No longer will I fear success, no longer will I be afraid to walk the path my God laid out for me. No longer will I be held hostage by my past, no longer will I be controlled by depression, and no longer will I be stabilized by medication. I am a child of the King! God is my Father and my dearest friend. He has given me the power to live an abundant life. His Love rests, reigns, and rules inside of me. His presences surrounds me and because of this I am an overcomer! Today I committed suicide, I killed the old me, so that the new me could live, be healed, be restored and fulfill my destiny. In Christ I am a new creature, old things have passed away and no matter the difficulty I may be facing I vow to kill the old me daily, to face the day with my Father, to rebuke the evil forces that come to destroy me and to bring every thought into subjection. I am an overcomer, I WIN!

Sincerely,

The New Me