Growing up a preachers kid I was always told and I believed that I would marry a preacher, that I would be a missionary, and that their was a great calling on my life. Married at 18 with two kids by age 20 it wasn't quite what I had imagined. I struggled to see how God could use me because my life was so off track and I had wasted so much time. I found myself struggling with depression and fighting to stay alive. But at that time I just figured I was emotional and missing my family back home. With two children to care for, a home, a husband and trying to live my life in a way that pleased God I put my hurt, disappointment, insecurities, self-doubt all on the back burner so that I could be everything to everybody. I wanted to be very sure that I was the best wife, mother, and Christian woman there was all the while on the inside I was falling apart. After my (then) husbands time in the military was complete and we moved back home I just new that things were going to turn around for me. I went back to school full time, worked full time and took care of my family! Working in the church to the best of my ability and doing what I believed God had called me to do. Moving back home proved to be one disappointment after the other. My (then) husband and two children and I lived with my parents in a two bedroom apartment for 6 years. The embarrassment, the shame, and the guilt ate away at me. How could I have such a promising future at 17 years old and end up this way. Why wasn't my husband making better decisions for our family? What was I doing wrong as a Christian to live such a disappointing life. The news of my third pregnancy rocked me to my core. After trying unsuccessfully to get my tubes tied and being on birth control the thought of having another baby sent me into one of the deepest holes I've ever been in. And to top it off I was fired from my job at the hospital because I couldn't fulfill my duties do to my pregnancy. The depression set in once again. And the attack of the enemy was so great. How is it that I'm a child of God and I ended up here. God doesn't love me, I'm unloveable. And how will he ever forgive me? Needless to say one disappointment after the other I was diagnosed clinically depressed for the first time. I remember lying in my bed sleeping for days just so that I wouldn't have to face life. After 15 years of marriage, three children, infedility, and a repeatedly broken heart I found myself divorced. My car was repossessed, I was homeless for a short period of time and I was broke. I thought sureley there was no hope for me at all! God didn't love me or he would never allow me to suffer this way. After several months of standing before God broken, open and vulnerable and seeking him with my whole heart I began to realize that even in all my mess, my sin, my depression, my flaws, my RELIGIOUS WORKS, God NEVER LEFT ME! Even in times when I felt completely alone and abandoned he was there! Even when I had a me, myself and I attitude and I wasn't thinking about him he was right there. My steps were ordered and he knew exactly what I was going to do before I was ever created in my mothers womb. I was a broken mess and sometimes I still am but God had me to GROW thorough so that I could witness to some one else who may be going through. I just want this blog to be a blessing to women every where. Let's talk, let's share, let's uplift and encourage that wife, that mother, that sister that is struggling to keep her head above water. As wives we have so many burdens to carry around yet we are expected to keep it ALL together. Let this blog be a place of release and relief. Please join me and invite a friend. Share your stories, ask questions or post a prayer request. I look forward to chatting with each of you!
Love always,
Charity
Love always,
Charity
Charity I commend you for being transparent about your journey through marriage, life, and your spiritual walk with Christ. As women, wives, mothers, and people as a whole, sometimes as individuals we try to cover up our hurt, pain, insecurities, and flaws without addressing the disease that slowly kills us inside. Not everyone will have the same trials/tribulations, and testimony, but if we can encourage one another through prayer and exhortation through God we can help save a life.
ReplyDeleteAs my sister in Christ I uplift you, and encourage you through prayer. Remember we have to go through the process to get to the promise. Rather through our own mistakes, selfishness, decisions, lack of understanding/knowledge, and dependency of others to direct our lives rather than God.
LaToya Kidd
LaToya you blessed me today in such a way that I don't even have words for! We have to uplift one another. As I said marriage is a daily decision to remain committed. And we don't always get it right! We have to hold each other up! Please keep the feedback coming?
DeleteAnytime..
DeleteWOW!! after all that and you still stand tall. What a story. God id good
ReplyDeleteBobbie, still standing on God's grace, mercy and strength!
ReplyDeleteWhat a powerful testimony! I see myself all over again. I felt that God hated me too but my life was out of order! I put God last. Yes, I went to church, sang in the choir but my total focus was on my ex-husband. We married young (19 and 21) with a one year old son and 3 years later a daughter . I took the breakup/infidelity so hard because I thought everything was great. However, deep in my heart I knew something was wrong but I was in denial. I found out about the infidelity (he married the woman)from an innocent phone call from his manager. Needless to say, I was in shock! He was never mean or disrespectful until the end of the marriage; the divorce was messy.I eventually forgave him and we are friends.
ReplyDeleteI married a second time ( I rarely tell people about this marriage; he was 17 years older than me and I was embarrassed!)but it did not last long. He slapped me (after 3 months of marriage), I had him arrested; my daughter and I left two days later. I waited a while until I filed for divorce. It was another failed marriage.
I love God more today than I ever have in my life. I may not have everything I want but I certainly have everything I need.I learned a lot about myself and the inner workings of God. So, I share my story with other women because it was about making a DECISION to love my unconditionally, stop settling because I felt I did not deserve better and so I took my life back. I have two degrees;have a loving God-fearing husband, lost 61 lbs., have two adult children and three grandchildren. (Our blended family is 6 children and 5 grandchildren).
God loves us unconditionally and when we are out of the arc of safety,then we become miserable because of the decisions WE make without consulting God. I learned that no man, place or situation is my source. God is my source and "the activities of God within me is my supply."
Blessings my sister!
Gwendolyn T. Owens-Relationships Start With You