Losing yourself in the pain

After getting a divorce from my children's father to whom I was married for 15 years, I found myself heart broken, depressed and shattered. The people that I thought would be there for me weren't, church family treated me like an outsider, my children's father was unsupportive and we were at odds. Spiritually I was dying, and financially I was sinking. My truck was repossessed and after six short months of being in my own home I found myself homeless. Life was not at all the way I expected it to be and I found myself feeling isolated and alone. I had to send my children back to live with their father and it seemed that I had nothing and no one that I could turn to for support. I began to question my faith and the part of me that I thought was dead and buried began to emerge again. Crying myself to sleep became a daily activity and alcohol became my drink of choice. If I could have a couple glasses of wine and sleep from the time I got off of work until the next morning then maybe I wouldn't hurt so bad. Satan had me to believe that I wasn't worthy of God's Love, I was fat, I was undersirable, I was broke, my life up to this point hadn't amounted to anything and I was doomed to fail. I was so good at smiling on the outside and convincing everyone that I was fine when on the inside I was lost in all the pain. My whole life had fallen apart right before my eyes and although I made several attempts to find my way back to Christ and restore my relationship with him, it never seemed to last very long before I was right back in my painful pit.

In October of that year I was reacquainted with my now husband. We had our first date in October and married the following April. I gathered all my things, quit my job and moved from Michigan to Tennessee without a second thought. I thought a fresh start was exactly what I needed to get back on track. Being in Tennessee with no family, no friends, no church family, no church home, no job, no children and married to someone I really didn't know very well only increased the pain, loneliness and isolation that I was already feeling inside. I felt as if I were in a desert all alone! I longed just to feel God's presence but I was so lost in all the pain that it felt as if he wasn't even there. In my mind even God had deserted me. The pain in my heart was so great that I reached the point of wanting to take my life again. "If I could just jump off this bridge, everything will be alright" is what I told myself.

As I stood outside in the sun one day enjoying the view of the hills in front of me, I began to cry and ask God to please fill me with His spirit. I prayed God please take away this pain and emptiness and God whispered that He had never left me alone. All the time I had been living without regard to Him, I was so lost in my pain that I had lost who I was, I had not been walking in my calling or looking to Him to supply my needs yet HE WAS STILL RIGHT THERE! The whole time I had been living on His Grace and His Mercy and I didn't even realize it. It was because of Him that I didn't jump off of that bridge. It was because of Him that I survived depression not once, not twice, but three times. Satan's plan was to destroy me and keep me off of the path God had set for me. God's Love, His Grace and His Mercy that helped me to break through the pain, and lay aside those heavy weights so that I could be what He called me to be.

I had to stand before God broken, open and vulnerable. Acknowledging that all that I needed was in Him. No man, no marriage, no new state or new start could make me whole! I had to shed the hurt, anger, insecurities, self doubt, depression, loneliness, unforgiveness, and resentment and allow God to heal me in His own way, in His own time, through His word and my relationship with him. It was through fasting and prayer that I was able to shed the old me and become a new creature. Once God began to heal me it was only then that I could look back and see how satan had clouded my mind, and clouded my judgement and caused me to lose sight of the path that God had laid out for me.

To my sisters who are hurting; sometimes that pain is so great and the reasons for that pain are so real, but our God is a healer!! He doesn't just heal sickness and disease but he will heal your broken heart. Psalms 147:3 says "He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds". It doesn't matter how great the pain is or what you've done that makes you believe you deserve that pain! God is standing there with His arms out stretched waiting to pick you up, restore you and place you back on the path He has set out for you! Remember there is nothing that you can do to stop Him from Loving you and there is nothing you can do to deserve His Love. Just give Him your whole heart! Don't get lost in the pain, let faith and fasting, prayer and praise be your weapons against the enemy's attack. Be encouraged my sisters I am praying with and for you daily!